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Diary of D #4: Habit and Its Meaning

Rumination

Many times I've found myself asking about the relevance of my recent activities as someone who's unemployed and also in need of new sensations just to make my life seems filled with, at least, something rather than nothing. I began to observe my own behavior and perhaps, even, habit that I kept on doing on daily basis. Almost appears as a cycle, my constant need to surf the web/internet to take a look at certain things such as popular music and popular culture, movies, comic books specifically the X-Men, and basic graphic design on a site like Photoroom.

I've been trying to find new jobs for me and that hasn't been fruitful. I find myself leaning towards the tendency to compensate my lack of activities, courtesy of not having a job, with mundane tasks that are available as long as my internet data plan is enough to do so. As a portion of my life is dedicated to spend time on the worldwide web, the other portion goes into doing even more ordinary things at home that are admittedly my responsibility as someone who lives in his parents' house.

However, the more I think about my life the more often I also think about what possibly can be done or can change it. Comfort is bliss after all, but after a while lot of truthfully nothing I crave for more. Then, comes the expectations from the family. I've had enough of opinions as shared by my parents and relatives who I'm certain anybody would be grateful to hear, given that having a family and relatives can even be considered to be luxury in today's age, however it's not the things that would help me. I realized that living up to expectations of others was out of the window since a long while ago so what to do now.

This brings me to here. Present time, where I still have not an idea of my presence let alone my future. Not in the slightest have I ever felt convinced that something or anything can ever turn for the better. Perhaps, though, that amidst of all these storms in my mind there's still this habit of mine that I can still do. Is this a search for validation from myself for the mundaneness of my daily activities this far? Maybe so, then again miracles don't ever happen so often, though it does happen. Sometimes. I do believe.

Love, Daud.

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